Trekking through the ‘messy middle’ & how to keep the crap out of your boots!

23 June

In a recent blog, I used the metaphor of bodysurfing as the basis for a ~25 year career reflection. One point of reflection was the great satisfaction I’ve got from my foray into exercise science over the past few years, and how interesting its been to start integrating that with my background in coaching psychology. And that excitement has been very real, often showing up as surges of enthusiasm about how I might make bigger & better contributions to the world through my teaching, research & private practice work.

What I said less about was the flip side of this experience. The tougher, more uncomfortable side. The psychological reality that comes from being in what some describe as the “messy middle”.

The Messy Middle

You might be wondering, isn’t “messy middle” a term Google coined to describe the complexity of consumer purchasing decisions? Indeed it is, but consumer behaviour isn’t the focus here. I’m referring to a different kind of messy middle, the transitionary period that emerges during periods of significant life change. Occurrences like the end of a close relationship, a career change, or completing a long-term project of some sort.

Take a PhD, for example. It’s not uncommon for people who finish a doctorate to find themselves a bit lost after submitting their thesis. After several years of focused effort, the project that’s structured their life for so long suddenly disappears! Whilst there’s always a palpable sense of relief about that, it can also be unsettling & confusing. Questions start being asked, like “What now?” and “How do I organise life & set my priorities?” Happily, most people recover from this reasonably quickly, but for several weeks & months it can be more than a little unnerving.

Now, I’m not breaking new ground here. There are many theories & models that focus on change transitions. One of the simplest & best known is Bridges’ Transition Model, which proposes three phases of change. The first involves letting go of what’s normal (i.e., Endings), the second involves feeling lost between the past & the future (i.e., Neutral Zone) & the third involves becoming energised by the emergence of a new identity (i.e., New Beginnings). Clearly, for William Bridges, the Neutral Zone was the “messy middle”.

When you choose your own adventure…& when you don’t!

At this point, I have to say there’s a difference between change that people go looking for (e.g., resigning from a job, leaving a relationship) & change that people DO NOT go looking for (e.g., death of a loved one, a redundancy). Either way, the search for one’s new normal can be disorienting & confusing. However, if you’re the one who’s triggered the change, it does add a bit of spice, particularly when things aren’t going well & you start to wonder…“why the hell did I bring this on myself!?”

Regardless of how change visits us, the journey between the old & the new can be rough. In fact - if I was to be crass - I’d say it can be crap. At times, total & utter crap. But, my experience of the messy middle has convinced me that 4 things are important for sustaining yourself & keeping the muck out of your boots:

The CMS-4 (i.e. Crap Mitigation Strategies x 4)

CMS #1 - Double-down on your acceptance. Whilst everyone knows change is tough, I’ve found acceptance to be the hardest part. Acceptance that things will be challenging, in the sense that confusion, uncertainty & self-doubt will be regularly visited upon us. Acceptance that our preferences for certain outcomes & rates of progress may not be met, & may take much longer than our best laid plans or hopes may have projected.

Sure, it’s useful to set some goals, but we need to hold them lightly & be prepared to absorb the disappointments that may come as we strive towards them. Whilst this is clearly a statement about the dangers of unrealistic expectations, it also highlights the importance of maintaining a steady supply of patience - perhaps more than anything else - lest we fall into despair, label ourselves a “failure” and/or stop trying.

CMS #2 - Keep talking to people. If there’s one thing behavioural scientists agree on, it’s the importance of social support is successful change. In that vein, I recommend you DO NOT stop talking to people. This is especially important when you’re the one that triggers the change…when you purposefully pull back from what’s normal & re-enter the world as a different version of yourself. Whilst this sounds easy, don’t underestimate the recalibration others may need to go through to stop seeing you as X & start seeing you as Y.

Why is that important? Well, they may not understand how you’ve changed & what your priorities, interests & goals are now. Also, if they don’t know these things, its hard for them to help you on your journey, with new contacts, information and/or useful ideas. So, keep talking to the world! It might take a while for the world talk back, but talk back it surely will.

CMS #3 - Keep moving! Now, this advice may not surprise you coming from someone like me, someone who advocates strongly for continuing engagement in regular physical activity. But I’m deadly serious. Don’t stop moving! Just don’t!! Why? Because there will be days when your energy is so low that you’re in danger of not getting out of bed, or your pyjamas, or both. Days when you’re racked with self-doubt, foolishness, or the responsibility of making decisions that are causing pain or discomfort for others. This is when physical activity can act as a circuit breaker to negativity & help reset your perspective.

Personally, there have been times in the last 12-months or so when I’ve had to force myself to get out & move. However, I’ve never finished a walk, run, swim or bike in a worse state than I started. Not once. And this can also be helpful in the very worst of times, like during periods of grief & bereavement, something I observed in my dad after the passing of my mum.

CMS #4 - Find someone you can shovel crap with. All I can say is that this is essential! A loved one, partner, or close friend, someone you really trust. As already mentioned, time in the messy middle can be very disorienting, confusing & just plain exhausting. Functioning outside your comfort zone riddles life with stressors & it’s easy for your thinking to become a bit scattered & faulty.

This is when a trusted confidant can be incredibly helpful. Someone you can talk to about the crap, who can hear the confusion & frustration without judging it. Better still, someone who can do all that without feeling the need to fix things (which they probably have no power to do).

I’m talking about a person with real empathy. Someone who can help you get a clearer view of things, rekindle your energy & get you a little closer to resolving your most pressing problems. Try to identify who that is for you, or seek out professional help (e.g. counsellor or coach) if that seems better.

Chaos-order-chaos-order

Well, that’s it. Four things that seem important when negotiating the messy middle. To be sure, these aren’t the only things worth doing, as getting plenty of sleep, eating well & having an engaging pastime also have a place. But (i) acceptance, (ii) connection, (iii) movement & (iv) empathic understanding are all important for sustaining yourself when life tips towards the chaotic & things stop making sense the way they used to.

Then, if we go big picture, we can see this as part of life’s great rhythm. Something palaeontologists keep observing in the fossil records…periods of radical change (punctuations), followed by periods of relative stability (equilibrium). Repeating cycles of chaos-order-chaos-order. And because we’re all subject to the same interplay of complex forces & laws that drive this thing called life, we’re all liable to find ourselves trekking through the messy middle at some stage or other.

As I mentioned at the start, sometimes we invite that chaos into our lives, but most of the time we don’t. Whatever the circumstances, we are rarely (if ever) entirely ready for it. So, the best we can hope to do is sally forth with a decent pair of kicks, focus on taking one step at a time, grab a trusty companion or two & get busy keeping our boots relatively clean, so we don’t slip or backslide!

The messy middle. Keep calm & carry on. Firmer ground is coming & when we reach it, we’re likely to be a better version of ourselves. Likely to have grown & developed a bit, or maybe a lot. And likely, also, to be grateful for the muck & the crap…for the helpful nudge that it gave us.

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